Still no needle, dammit.  The vet at her daycare said we may never find it though, I just need it to not be an issue.  I’m terrified at the thought of her going under anesthesia.

She went to daycare today and was allowed calm play with a couple of their calmer dogs.  She got a little rough with them and it had to be broken up a couple times, but the big news is no seizures thus far since starting back on the 8 hour Keppra.  They said at daycare today that she was more playful than they’d ever seen her either.  I’m encouraged, but still really scared that she’s going to regress again.  Here’s hoping…

Ok, dishes are done and I have a glass of wine next to me.  Now I can write.  Ugh, still have to scoop cat crap and rig a uniform for tomorrow.  I haven’t worn khakis in like a month and a half, I hope they still fit…

On an unrelated note, I actually went jogging for the first time in like 3 years.  I have a feeling I’m going to regret it in the morning, but I had some nervous energy to burn and I didn’t feel like doing another tabbata or kettlebell workout.  Not going to lie though, those tabbata workouts are legit.  Anyway, Ghost needed some mommy time, so I figured I’d go do a little jog/walk with her around the park by our house.  She makes a really good running partner

Now to Shadow.  It’s been a rough few days, having a seizure a day since Saturday and then 2 today.  Is it sad that I’m thrilled we’ve now gone like 6 hours without one?  I have to say, there’s nothing more agonizing than watching your puppy seize while begging her to come out of it, scared to death that this is “the one”.  I contacted Dr. Clarke yesterday to let him know about the seizure activity since switching to the 12 hour Keppra, he suggested giving it a few more days and then going back to the 8 hour if she didn’t improve.  He was also very supportive of my seeking out some alternative therapies to supplement what she’s already getting from the holistic vet at Bayside.  I went ahead and made the appointment, and was really pleased when daycare reported they hadn’t seen anything while she was there.  Needless to say, that happiness evaporated when she had a particularly violent (though thankfully relatively short) seizure shortly after getting home yesterday.  It’s so damn frustrating and painful, I just want to wave a magic wand and make them go away for her.  Anyone tell me where Ollivander’s is so I can go do that?  The real scare was this morning after she and Ghost had romped in the yard a bit and she went into one right at the edge of the pool.  If I hadn’t been there to catch her, she’d have fallen in.  I stood there and supported her, and was able to gently guide her away from the edge before she laid down.  At least it was a short one.

So, I took her to see Dr. Bray at Bayside this morning, and we discussed some serious alternative therapies.  I was thrilled that she’d been doing research before we came in, and she already had a game plan in place.  She also decided to try some acupuncture, which got interesting quickly.  Damn dog ate, yes ATE, one of the needles before I could fish it out of her mouth.  Bit me hard enough to leave tooth marks in the process too.  So now we’re on poop patrol and hoping the stupid thing passes, I don’t know how well she’d tolerate exploratory surgery to retrieve it at this point.  We stuffed her full of cookies at the office and then I bought her a bagel on the way back to work, which she loved.  Of course all that grain is probably going to give her the shits like none other, she’s already been farting up a storm.  As long as the needle comes out, I’ll deal with some puppy diarrhea.

So anyway, now for the supplements.  She has started on Tea Pills and Fish Oil, and Dr. Bray ordered a supplement called “Peanut’s Hydrocephalus Powder”, which was formulated by Dr. Clemmens of the University of FL.  He’s apparently had some pretty good success with this and another supplement called Epimedium Powder over the last several years.  If it works and my vet recommends it, I’m all for it.  I also have a list of foods to toss in with her kibble that are supposed to help.  So we’re going to do weekly acupuncture sessions (she may get muzzled next time, I’m not going to pick through dog shit every week looking for needles) and hit her hard with the supplements, and if the 8 hour Keppra isn’t doing the trick like it did the first week we’re going to add in zonisamide.  I want this to work, I want her to be able to be a normal-ish puppy that I’m not constantly worried about falling into the pool during a seizure.

Shadow is not impressed…

We had a great week with Shadow, no evidence of seizures and just acting like a normal puppy.  I started to notice a bit of a regression by the end of the week on the potty training though.  I didn’t think too much of it, there were extenuating circumstances around each of the accidents.  We went to the neurologist yesterday and he was really pleased with how she was doing since starting the meds, and even said he is cautiously optimistic for her.  She has been playing with Ghost, went on a couple of short walks, harassing the cats, and generally acting almost like a Husky puppy should.  She’s even learning how to counter surf, so we’re in trouble there.

Then I decided to take the dogs on a walk this morning.  I was watching the temperature and knew it was borderline, but I decided to go anyway.  We got most of the way done with the circuit of the neighborhood when she had a small seizure.  It was short, I don’t think it involved the entire body, but it was a real downer to watch.  I suspect it may have been the heat, or she may need an adjustment on the meds.  Whatever it is, we have it logged and we will be looking for any trends.  I’d love her to be completely seizure free, but I don’t think that’s very realistic.

After the negativity of my last post, I wanted to give a shout out to our vets.  Dr. Clark at Veterinary Neurology of the Chesapeake has been great, and I love that he’s not just blowing sunshine up my ass that everything is going to be hunky dory.  Dr. Buchanan at Bayside Animal Medical Clinic is also phenomenal, and has gone way above and beyond.  Finally, Arnold Pet Station, where Shadow goes to daycare, is bending over backwards to help us once fall classes start and I’m teaching all day.

And finally, a friend send me this yesterday:

“Being the parent of a special-needs pet means living your life constantly poised on the edge of a double-edged sword. On the one hand, you become a fierce defender of the ways in which your little one is perfectly ordinary — all the things he or she can do that are just like what everybody else does. And yet, you never lose sight of how absolutely extraordinary that very ordinariness is, how difficult, remarkable and rewarding that fight to be ‘just like everybody else’ has been.”  -Gwen Cooper

*Warning, this one is probably going to be pretty profanity laden*

I get that people who don’t own animals don’t understand the bond between a dog and its human.  I really do get it.  But these people need to learn how to keep their damn mouths shut.  This is a public service announcement:  If you ever find the words “it’s just a dog (or cat)” or “you should just put it out of its misery” gracing your lips with their presence, stop.  Seriously.  Stop talking and walk away.  I don’t give a fat rat’s ass what you think I should be doing with my dog, it’s my money and my life, and if am able to keep my dog alive and happy it’s no one’s business but my own how much money I’m putting into it.

To the lady at the pharmacy today, you can go fuck yourself.  I really hope Karma catches up with you and slaps the shit out of you, because you successfully reached over, ripped my heart out, threw it on the ground, and stomped it flat with those four little words.  I hope you felt like a piece of shit when you walked past me after getting your prescription and I was sitting there in the waiting room sobbing.  Fuck you.  The sheer callousness with which you stated “just put it down” indicates you are a cruel, heartless bitch who doesn’t have any regard for animals, yet you claimed to have had some yourself.  I feel sorry for any animal unlucky enough to live in your house.  Tell me, would you walk up to someone who just found out their baby had Down’s Syndrome and say “just get an abortion”?  Because that’s basically what you did.  And for anyone reading this thinking “dogs/cats aren’t like kids, you’re an idiot to make that analogy”, feel free to leave.  You are not welcome here.

People are cruel and heartless, and they open their mouthes without thinking that what they have to say might be deeply hurtful to another person.  And I’m not talking about the political correctness bullshit like red ink lowers my self esteem, I’m talking about the thoughtless words of moronic people that stab deep and leave lasting wounds.  Words hurt, my friends.  I know that people must always offer their opinion on how others should live their lives and what they should do when a child (or dog) is less than perfect.  Oh, your kid is autistic?  You should just institutionalize him and forget about him.  Oh, your dog is a little cognitively limited and might have a seizure from time to time?  You should just put it down and quit wasting your money.  Don’t say those things, they hurt more than your tiny little brains could ever imagine.

The day my dog is really suffering and in obvious pain, the day my dog has no quality of life, then we will evaluate what is best for her.  Until then, kindly keep your opinions to yourself, or you’re liable to find my fist in your mouth.  I kept my shit together today, I may not be able to the next time.

So it’s been 6 days.  In that 6 days there have been a lot of emotions, a lot of yelling, and more than a few tears as things started to sink in.  Our puppy is not normal.  She never will be.  There are a lot of things that we wanted to do with her that she will probably never be able to do.  And 6 days later, I can say “that’s ok”.  We’ll figure out what she can do, and we’ll go from there.

A little bit of background for those of you who aren’t familiar.  I began volunteering with a Husky rescue in our area in April.  When I started working, I found out about a litter of puppies that had been born into the rescue the month before, who would be ready for adoption soon.  After much discussion, Aaron and I decided to apply for one of the puppies, a female who was very laid back and sweet.  We met our Shadow on May 10th at a picnic put on by the rescue, and were instantly in love.  She was such a cuddle bug, and instantly got along with both of our other dogs.  Shadow came home for good on May 25th and instantly meshed with our existing pack.

Shadow came into our home and right off we noticed that she slept a lot and was more clumsy than Ghost was at the same age.  We chalked it up to her just being a really laid back dog that was clumsy because she was so much bigger than average (she was 21 lbs when we got her at 12 weeks).  She proved to be quite the challenge to potty train, but Huskies can be super stubborn in that department.  She picked up on obedience commands really quickly, so we really thought nothing of it.  Little did we know…  We went on vacation on July 6th, and two of my wonderful students agreed to house sit while we were gone.  We thought everything was fine and dandy until one of the last days of our vacation, when we got a phone call while driving back from surfing in Oahu.  One of the sitters said Shadow had fallen over and was twitching for a while, and then wouldn’t get up.  It was late evening back home, so I sent her immediately to the emergency room.  They kept her over night at the hospital and had her evaluated by their neurologist first thing the next morning.  They were able to rule out any kind of metabolic or toxic cause to the seizures, and the neurologist was very concerned at the possibility of a serious neurologic issue.  He recommended that we do an MRI as soon as we got back from vacation, so we scheduled it for last Friday the 19th.

We witnessed 2 seizures in the 24 hours we were home before the MRI, and it was pretty evident that something was really wrong.  I dropped her off (one of the seizures was in their waiting room) and nervously waited for the call to come back in.  It finally happened, and we both went in to go over the results of the scan.  We knew it was bad when the doctor came in and said “Shadow’s brain is, well, not normal”.  Basically, she has some significant congenital malformations that include missing brain tissue as well as hydrocephalus (inability to drain/absorb cerebrospinal fluid).  Hydro pups can do ok, but in a lot of cases they don’t live very long.  As our new reality sank in, we wrestled with a host of emotions, but mostly anger.  Anger at the universe.  Anger at the assholes who left her mom and dad to starve in a yard.  Anger at all the people with “normal” puppies.  And extreme anger at wastes of human space who have told me over the last 6 days that “it’s just a dog” or that I should “put it out of it’s misery”.  They can all go do anatomically impossible things to themselves.

Shadow was put on a combination of Keppra for the seizures and Prilosec for it’s diuretic properties to control the CSF buildup in her brain.  According to her neurologist, her prognosis is guarded but he thinks that if we can control the seizures she could potentially live a relatively normal life.  In the last 6 days we have had no seizures, at least in front of us.  And I’ve had eyes on her every single waking minute except for today when she had to go to doggy daycare because of my work commitments.  I’m encouraged, but totally waiting for the other shoe to fall and for her to deteriorate.  We are hopeful that we can control the CSF buildup with medication, but are saving for the possibility of shunt implant surgery.  A shunt is a tube with a valve in it that drains the CSF from the spaces in the brain down to the abdomen where it can be absorbed back into the body, thus taking the pressure off the brain.

We understand and accept that Shadow will never be totally normal, and that there are some things she will just never do.  She’s a little bit clumsy and appears to have some depth perception issues, and we do think she’s a little bit cognitively limited.  You know what though?  It doesn’t matter.  She is the sweetest, most loving dog I have ever met.  She’s just happy to be on board, and she isn’t suffering one bit.  We may not be able to do all the things we’d planned on with her, but we can do other things.  Our lives aren’t what we thought they would be 2 months ago, but no matter what, we are better for having known her.

Here’s to another 6 days seizure free…

Hi everyone, and welcome to my little corner of the interwebz.  This blog is inspired mostly by my dog Shadow, a special needs Siberian Husky who is pretty much the sweetest dog who has ever graced the surface of the earth.  Shadow was diagnosed at 20 weeks with canine hydrocephalus and severe brain malformations.  Aside from the occasional seizure, she is a happy, laid back dog and loves to give her older Husky sister a run for her money.  While this blog is mostly about Shadow and her journey, I can’t discount the occasional rant and foul language (I am a sailor, after all).  Happy reading, and it’s my hope that Shadow is able to lead a long, happy life with us.